MESSAGE FROM MRS RUSTBRIDGER

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THIS IS MRS RUSTBRIDGER.

I AM CONFISCATING THIS LAPTOP.

I FOUND ESTHER IN HER GARDEN, THIS MORNING, SITTING ON A BENCH NEXT TO A PILE OF DROOPY VINE SNIPPINGS AND UNABLE TO GET BACK TO THE HOUSE.

I COULD SEE HER FROM MY UPSTAIRS WINDOW.

SHE SHOULD REST AFTER A FIT.

I KNOW. I’VE BEEN HER NEIGHBOUR FOR YEARS. UNLIKE HER UPSTART HUSBAND.

SHE’S A HEADSTRONG AND ARROGANT WOMAN.

‘THEY CAN DO WITHOUT YOU!’ - THAT’S WHAT I SAY.
LET THEM READ DICKENS OR THE PEOPLE’S FRIEND.

I’LL LOOK AFTER HER GARDEN.

I’LL KEEP THE BINDWEED FROM THE BLACKCURRANTS.

I’LL TELL THAT HUSBAND OF HERS IT’S ABOUT TIME HE DUG UP HIS ONIONS AND PUT THE REST OF ESTHER’S RUNNER BEANS IN THEIR PLACE.

BUT I WON’T TOUCH THE MARE’S TAIL OR THE CLUMPS OF IRRLEVENT GRASS OR THE BUTTERCUPS OR THE CINQUE FOIL.

LAST YEAR, SHE CULTIVATED A FREE STANDING NETTLE AND INVITED US TO ADMIRE IT. I’LL REFUSE TO WATER NONSENSE LIKE THAT BUT I‘LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO ABOUT GREENFLOES ON HER HONEYSUCKLE.

SHE’LL SLEEP TILL MONDAY.

I’LL SEE TO THAT TOO!

HER HOUSE IS KNEE HIGH IN WASHING UP AND WASTE HIGH IN DUST AND THE POST HASN’T BEEN OPENED FOR DAYS.

ANOTHER THING FOR ME TO CATCH UP ON.

AS IF I HADN’T ENOUGH TO DO IN MY OWN HOUSE!

SHE’S GRATEFUL OF COURSE BUT ANXIOUS.

SHE WANTS ‘LINKS’, WHATEVER THEY ARE, TO BE PUT IN A ‘COMMENT BOX’, WHATEVER THAT IS, SO SHE KNOWS WHO VISITS WHILE SHE’S SLEEPING AND CAN POP ROUND AND SEE EVERYONE WHEN SHE WAKES UP.

NOW SHE’S MUTTERING ABOUT PLAVS LEAVING PLING ON HER PATH. SHE SAYS I’LL KNOW IT IF I SEE IT.

IF I SEE IT I’LL BIN IT WHATEVER IT IS. I CAN TELL YOU THAT.

YOURS SINCERELY

EMMELINE RUSTBRIDGER (MRS)

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