THE FOUR INSPECTORS

Four men from The Council came this morning.

By chance, they arrived almost together.

The first was from Environmental Health. He said a neighbour had complained about our 'noisy shed'.

(When he said it, he smirked.)

I invited him in.

A man from The Planning Department rang on the bell. He accused us of turning our home into a Youth Hostel without applying for a 'Change of Use' certificate. A neighbour, he said, had witnessed drunken teenagers on our path about two weeks ago.

I asked if he'd like a mug of tea.

Then came an Inspector from The Education Attendance Service. (We used to call them 'Truancy Officers'.) A neighbour had reported children 'playing in our garden during term time'.

I put the kettle on.

The bell rang for a third time. A 'neighbour', apparently, thinks we've been fostering at least one child without going through the proper procedures - so, here, was a Social Worker to 'check up on us'.

I suggested he joined the other three men at the kitchen table.

He asked for coffee.

It was like a party. They drank their elevenses, ate biscuits, compared notes - and grew hilarious.

We are, they've decided, 'a nice, conventional family'. What a shame it is (they commiserated) that we have to put up with such malicious neighbours!

Only the one!

If I hadn't been able to offer them chocolate digestives - things might not have worked out so well. (Or if they hadn't arrived together!)

The parsley seed in the pot with the blade of grass in it that I first mistook for parsley - has germinated.

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For Tomorrow

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